The Joys And Challenges Of Being Semi-Single

I don’t know about anyone else, but I think I spend 85 per cent of my time being confused. Perhaps I’m complicating things that don’t need to be so heavy. Although I recently proclaimed total single status, I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing right now. Many of you singles seem to be in similar situations.

Lack of Labels
A man wrote to me about a woman he had been dating. Everything had been going okay. Not great, not terrible, just pleasant and easy. She recently told him that she doesn’t think they should date anymore, yet they continue to hang out. Basically, nothing has changed, except the word dating has been taken out of the equation.

So what is her point? What is this arrangement? I suppose her stating that she isn’t interested in dating the LW indicates that she doesn’t see a future with him. She apparently enjoys his company, but not enough to abstain from dating others maybe, or from wanting to get more serious with this current…friend?

These kinds of arrangements never seem to work out. They are difficult to end because they are generally comfortable and drama-free, but it’s not likely to stay that way. It’s the battle between who likes whom more. Or some awkward situation arises where a date is required and if you bring your casual non-dating friend to a wedding, doesn’t that imply some kind of relationship status? Especially if you are sleeping together?

Troublesome Feelings
The LW wasn’t clear if he had any powerful feelings for this woman and the catch 22 of it is that if he does, he should definitely end it. Sadly, I’m sure this will be very difficult, due to the feelings, but it would be better get through the process before anything progresses. It should be easier and potentially less embarrassing to end things now, rather than letting it becoming obvious that he is more into this woman than she would like him to be.

Also, it is possible that this woman is playing some kind of game. Although I wouldn’t personally be head over heels for someone who is trying to manipulate me, if he decides to stop seeing her, this might be a wake up call for her.

However, LW, if you yourself aren’t sure about this woman or don’t feel there is a future, I suppose you need to ask yourself what you get out of this arrangement. If you are open with each other about dating others, then perhaps this will just be a laid-back, mutually enjoyable time for both of you. I think set ups like this have brief shelf lives however, so I wouldn’t let it go on too long.

Taking My Own Advice
This is all advice I would give but personally find difficult to take. Especially if feelings are involved. Henry and I are broken up…sort of. It’s funny because we have barely been officially together at all, so breaking up over the phone feels weird, and during the holidays, it was sad. Also, since he just visited me, I have a very uncomfortable blend of being hurt, sad, unsure, certain, angry, indifferent, etc. A maelstrom of emotions overwhelming me and leaving me feeling vulnerable, which is a very hated and unwelcome state in my mind.

So what do we do? We all have these different levels of relationships that have grown out of our liberal society, but we don’t quite know what to do with them. Sometimes I think I complicate things too much. With both the LW’s situation and my own, sometimes I think that it doesn’t have to be decided ahead of time. It would be easier to go with the flow for a while and hopefully what you really want will become clear at the right moment.

My fear in just letting things go is that I might wake up miserable and have wasted a huge chunk of time - but I don’t think this really happens. Not if you are hyper-analytical like me, anyway.

Why not?
So let’s take our intangible semi-relationships and run with them. If you are uncertain about how you feel, I think the only way to know is by trying new things. If you are honest with the other person involved, I think continuing to be semi-single is also the way to go. Meeting new people and not relying on someone too much are good ways to centre yourself and not get bogged down by too much thinking and planning.

Personally, I can never tell if it is myself holding me back, or that I really haven’t found the right person. But, I also think I shouldn’t put so much pressure on it. There’s no way to see the future, we can just try to enjoy ourselves in the meantime.

Source: The Joys And Challenges Of Being Semi-Single
Lyra Pappin